ENVY AND THE HIDDEN-DIALOGUE AT END OF THIS SECTION

FOR SHE WAS DRAWN TO IDEALIZATIONS OF MEN RATHER THAN REALIZATIONS OF MEN...

TENDENCY...INERTIA

PATTERN AND CORRIDORINGS

ECHOIC TIMBRE OF FAMILIARITY IN RECURRENCE

FOR YOU CANNOT REPAIR CONTROL...IT IS THE CHANGE IN HEALTHY SHIFTS...THE MOVING OUT OF MEDIATIONS AND VISION OR IDEALIZATION...IT IS NOT THE IDEA OR CART BUT THE ACTUAL THAT IS REALNESS WITHOUT THE CONTAINERING CONTROLS OF IMPOSITIONS ...BEING AS ONE WAS TAUGHT...IS TAUT...IS IN INTENSITY DENSITY WHERE FORTRESSINGS MAINTAIN WOONDEADNESS AS STRATEGY OF DESIRES...MEANS OF IMITATIONS THAT FOCUS THROUGH AN OBJECT OR OTHER...IT IS THE TIME OF SPLITTING DEPTHS OF CHARLES RICHTER IN MAGNITUDES OF MOMENTS...OF QUAKES AND ACXHES...OF LAVA AND SECRETIONS...A RICHTER TURBULENCE IN RELATIONS OF ORGASMIC WILL TO BE...THE POTENCY OF OPPOSITE IN TRANSFORMATIVE LOVE...

THE MEETINGS IN CALLING AND COMING FORWARD IN TRUTH OF URGENCY...

FOR HE SAID... 'I WANT A WOMAN WHO HAS A TASTE FOR MEN'...

TO MOVE BEYOND THE HYPERSENSUALISED EROS SELF ABSORBED WITH A SENSE OF DISTANCE IN AUTO EROTIC AND POWER GREATER THAN LOVE QUESTS...TO MOVE IN WILL OF CONNECTION BEYOND NARCISSISM INTO REAL INTIMACY...TO BE BEYOND THE MIRRORINGS AND SIMILARS OF 'WANTING TO BE WANTED' THAT DO 'RECIPROCITY' AND 'KINDNESS'...TO BE IN PRESENCE OF HEART TO EXPRESS FULLNESS WITHOUT THE 'CONTROL-CONTAINERING' OF CONTROL OF OUTCOMES...

AND SHE KNEW SHE WANTED A MAN UNLIKE HER FATHER...A MAN WHO HAD A TASTE FOR WOMEN...REAL DESIRE IN A DISTANCE FROM ORIGINS...

TRUTH OF URGENCY OUT OF FALSE IDOLS AND IMAGE MAKING...

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

ENVY AND THE HIDDEN

'HOW MUCH PAIN IS ONE WILLING TO SUFFER AND ENDURE IN ORDER TO AVOID KNOWING THE REAL SELF...TO SEE DESIRE AND NEED BECOME PAIN STATES WHEN SATISFACTIONS ARE UNDULY POSTPONED'


http://shockimpact.blogspot.com


http://hsingways1.blogspot.com






'SIZE MATTERS' JANET SAID. 'BIG IS BETTER'...YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO FILL THE NOTHING...TO 'MAKE THE BORDERS' AND 'CONTROL THE TERRITORY'...TO 'FILL IN THE GAPS' AND MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT...MY GROUNDING SPACE...MY HOMEOSTASIS SPACE...


IT IS THE EROS-CREATIVE-SACRED SOURCING ZONE OF OUR 'ACTIVATION-REACTIVITY' BEHAVIORS OF ANTICIPATION AND VIGILANCE...THE 'CONTROL' EXPECTANCY DEFENSE AGAINST EXPOSURE OF NERVES SPACE...


IT IS THE WAYS AND WILES OF OUR 'COATINGS, PADDINGS, DAMS, BLOCKS, FORTRESSINGS, FILTERS'...THE GREAT SUFFERINGS WE DO TO OUR SELF IN 'DENIAL'...


IT IS THE 'INTENSITY-DENSITY' WE BECOME ADDICTED TO IN OUR REPETITIONS, AS IF WE WERE CHILDREN, WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN...






'YOU GOT THAT RIGHT' SAID CYNTHIA...WHO WANTS TO FEEL VULNERABLE?...'YOU KNOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR SAYING, BUT WHO WANTS TO BE CONSTANTLY HYPERVIGILANT?






JANET LOOKED AT CYNTHIA WITH A BIG SMILE...'WELL, MAYBE IT'S THE 'RIGHT SIZE FOR THE RIGHT PLACE' IS A BETTER WAY OF TALKING ABOUT IT'...SORTA LIKE BEING IN THE 'MOOD' IS AS 'HANDSOME IS AS HANDSOME DOES'...






MAYBE IT IS 'TOO MUCH OF SOMETHING MAY NOT BE GOOD' FOR YOU...LIKE GETTING TOO MUCH ICE CREAM MAKES YOU AVOID IT...AT LEAST FOR AWHILE'...






'NO, IT IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING 'SATIATED' WITH TOO MUCH ICE CREAM...IT IS HEALTHY CHANGE OF LEARNING 'GOING TO' INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING AND THWARTING AGAINST'...IT IS THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE AND CURIOSITY IN 'COMING FORWARD' THAT CHANGES DIRECTION OUT OF VANITY FEAR HABITS THAT MAINTAIN 'CONTROL' IN DENIAL AND DEFENSIVENESS...






'WELL, I LIKE TO FEEL THAT I AM IN CONTROL'...SAID JANET ASSERTIVELY.


'AFTER ALL IT IS MY BODY THAT WE ARE DEALING WITH HERE'...'ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE THAT MOMENT...THAT WONDROUS FEELING MOMENT OF MEETING MY STUFF WITH HIS STUFF...THAT TIMING WHEN ALL IS FULL AND ALIVE'...WHEN NOTHING IS HELD BACK BECAUSE I GET TO BE TOTALLY ME'...






'UH HUH, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID THAT, IF EVER'...






'MMMM, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...WHEN THE DAM BREAKS, WHEN THE LAVA STREAMS, WHEN THE STEAMINGS ARE WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE'...






'UH HUH, YEP...DREAM ON...YOU TWO 'GET NUMBED' BEFORE YOU 'GET IT ON' SO WHO KNOWS WHAT REALLY HAPPENS...'CEPT THAT THE INTENSITY MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAY UNTIL THE NEXT DAY OR SO...






ITS BETTER THAN NOTHING........






WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS A GOOD STRATEGY TO GET 'WHAT YOU SAY THAT YOU WANT'...A POWERFUL SEDUCTION STRATEGY...EVEN IF IT HAS BECOME SO PREDICTABLE IN ITS 'FAMILIARITY'...AS THEY SAY 'FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT'...






AT LEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO PLAN ON...TO LOOK FORWARD TO 'SATURDAY NIGHT' WITH THE DINNER, WINE, A MOVIE AND SEX...IT IS DIFFICULT TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT SCHEDULING THE TIME...






'Y'KNOW IT IS SOME KINDA VIOLENCE THAT YOU TWO DO...IT IS 'ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT' AS MUCH AS 'GREAT FEAR' AS THE EXCESSES OF CONVULSIVENESS AND SENSORY STRAININGS...SORT OF GETTING THE 'HIGH-PITCHED INTENSITY-DENSITY' TO COUNTER WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE NATURAL...


IT IS AS IF 'YOU ARE IN INVAGINATION', A NICE EUPHEMISM I MIGHT SAY, AND HE IS IN MASTURBATION OR 'BEING A JERK-OFF...


YEAH...Y'KNOW LIKE YOU GET INTO YOUR OWN ROMANCE DREAM IN 'BOMBING YOURSELF' AND HE JUST 'GOES ALONG FOR THE RIDE'...






'SO WHAT...WHO ARE YOU TO CRITICIZE...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW...YOU'RE ALWAYS 'FUSSIN' WITH YOUR CAT AS SOME 'ALICk' IN WONDERLAND' WHO RUBS IT 'MAKING IT BIGGER' AND THEN 'MAKING IT SMALLER' JUST TO PRACTICE YOUR CONTROL IN 'STAYING IN THE SAME SPACE'...LIKE YOU'RE LOST IN YOUR OWN DREAMS...'NO WONDER YOU CAN'T FIND AND HOLD A MAN'...






'IT JUST GETS BORING DOING THE SAME STUFF ALL THE TIME...AH, MEN ARE SO EASY TO CONTROL...THEY THINK WITH THEIR DICKS AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SUCK IT ONCE IN AWHILE'...WHERE IS THE ADVENTURE, THE RISK AND THE PLAY...FOR YOU THE 'FOREPLAY' IS SORT OF A GAME OF 4 PLAY...A BAITING AND FLIRTING DANCE OF KEEPING EACH OTHER OFF BALANCE...






'4 PLAY'?






WELL, IT'S LIKE THERE ARE 2 OF EACH OF YOU IN GAMES OF POWER-CONTROL...THE 'WANTING TO BE WANTED' AND 'VALUED' IN A NARCISSISM OF VANITY-FEARS WHERE 'LOVE' IS MERELY PART OF A TENNIS MATCH OF NETS AND COURTINGS...






HEY I GOT ENOUGH DANGER AND RISK JUST GOING DOWN THE STREET TO THE STORE...






YOU KNOW, EVERYONE SAYS THAT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETHING 'MORE WITHIN' AS THE WAYS OF INTIMACY IS CREATIVE AND MORE LASTING THAN THE 'STRANGENESS OF A STRANGER-LOVER' ENCOUNTER...IT IS COURAGE IN FACING ONESELF IN SOMETHING INTIMATE AS 'BAGGAGE' IS LEFT OUTSIDE THE DOOR...






'WHY WOULD I WANT TO GET RID OF THE 'WILES AND WAYS' THAT ARE MY POWER, SPELL-CASTINGS AND MYSTERY?'...






WELL, WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU ARE JUST A PARTITIONED 'EROTIC-NEUROTIC' WHO LIVES IN VANITY FEAR OF BEING ALONE WITH YOUR IMAGE CONSTRUCTIONS...YOU LIKE TO STAY IN THAT BLANCHE DUBOIS MODE OF 'I DON'T WANT REAL, I WANT MAGIC'...YOU LIKE TO SEE YOURSELF AS THE 'LOLITA INGENUE' WHO HIDES IN HYSTERIA 'MIMESIS' WEBBINGS...






MIMESIS...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN...






IT MEANS THAT YOU IMITATE AND PLAY ROLES...YOU PREFER FANTASY GREATER THAN PRESENCE...






SO...HOW CAN I GET MY NEEDS MET WHEN I KNOW HE WILL USE MY VULNERABILITY AGAINST ME...I HAFTA HAVE COSMETICS AND MASKS TO GET HIM TO BE WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE...






YOU ALREADY USE YOUR 'VULNERABILITY' TO MANIPULATE AND SEDUCE HIM...TO BAIT...TO OWN HIM...TO THWART AND CONTROL HIS SEXUALITY...YOU 'PARTITION' HIM INTO A PERFORMING 'STUD' AND THEN TREAT HIM WITH 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH' WAYS OF 'EXCITING BITCHERY' TO KEEP HIM OFF BALANCE... JUST LIKE YOU TREAT EVERYONE...






IT IS A GAME WE PLAY...WE BUILD POWER INTENSITY...A GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK WHERE THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH BEING APART THAT ONE CAN BE...AN ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVING IN CHAMELEON MASKINGS TO GET MORE POWER AS A WAY TO ENTER THE WORLD...AS 2 NARCISSISTS DEEPLY ENMESHED WHO LOVE YET SEEK FREEDOM TO BE ON THEIR OWN...TRYING TO GET THE SELF ESTEEM TO HAVE PERSONAL WORTH...THEIR UNITY IS THE TEMPORARY MEANS OF MOVING TO A SENSE OF INDEPENDENCE EVEN AS THEY ARE DEPENDENT ON ONE ANOTHER TO SUSTAIN THE 'IDEA VERSION OF SELF' THAT IS THE BARBI-CAN SHAME FORTRESS OF ENDURANCE AND MEDIATION...






ENVY...ENVY...ENVY...


YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE...TRYING TO GENERATE AN IMAGE OR A SPELL THAT IS 'PERMANENT' AND 'LIMITING' AS A 'PERSONALITY' DANCE OF CONTROL...






YEAH, BUT IT STILL FEELS GOOD TO GET OFF AND GET RELEASE...






SURE...YET, THE TERRITORY CONTROL OF THWARTING, INHIBITION, DENIAL AND FORTRESSING EVENTUALLY SUFFOCATES BOTH PARTNERS IN A POWER CONTROL STRUGGLE THAT DESTROYS LOVE...






'SORT OF A MADNESS...YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM/HER AND YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM/HER'...






'YEAH, THE EXCESSES OF CONTROL WHERE YOU KEEP YOURSELF SO SAFE THAT YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ANY FUN'...


'YOU HAVE TO PLAY AND THERE HAS TO BE RISK, A TIME OF DANGER, SOMETHING THAT SPARKS OUT OF THE ROUTINES AND FAMILIAR'...






'HEY, YOU JUST HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT'...






'TO WIN WHAT'...LOVE IS NOT A GAME'...






'SURE IT IS...IT IS IN THE FEELINGS OF POWER AND CONTROL'...IT IS AN EDGE OR ADVANTAGE OF DESIRE, CHARGED SENSES, THE BODY ELECTRIC...FEELING ALIVE'...






'EXCEPT'...






'YEAH I KNOW THAT FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT...IT IS A SENSE OF BEING 'DEAD CERTAIN' AS CONTROL YET NOT GETTING WHAT I NEED'...






'I KNOW THAT MY MANIPULATION CONTROLS ARE TERRITORIAL LIKE A 'REVERSAL OF SENSES OF ABANDONMENT' AS WHAT I WANT IS TO REALLY BE IS IN 'TOTAL ABANDON' YET I USE MY RESENTMENT THAT HE CAN'T RESCUE ME AS A 'CONTEMPT' POSTURE'...






THE PRINCESS USUALLY IS NEVER RESCUED...SHE JUST DIES A THOUSAND DEATHS...THE 'DEAD CERTAINTY' OF BEING IN 'VANITY FEAR' AND 'BELIEF BEHAVIORS'...






'...AND EVERYONE FEELS 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH', A SENSE OF LACK AND GOES AROUND DOING COMPENSATORY THINGS TO MAKE UP FOR FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY'...'SO 'SETTLING IN SAFETY' IS WHAT ONE DOES'...






'IT IS THE 'CASTRATION' OF BEING AS ONE PARTITIONS IN 'CUTTING OFF' FROM REALNESS...FROM 'TRUTH OF URGENCY'...THE SURRENDER OF PARTS OR MOST OF THE SELF TO 'MEDIATION-CONTROL'...






'HEY, ONE CAN ALWAYS FIND AN ADVENTURE'...






'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...IT IS ADVENTURE AS 'INNER RISK'...IT IS HEART RISK TO EXTEND AND GO DEEPER...TAKING CHANCES IN ACTIONS OF TRUTH...LETTING GO OF PATTERNS OF TERRITORIAL HABITS OF 'DEAD CERTAINTY'...THE AGREED UPON 'GAMES' OF FLIRT, SEDUCTION, FLIGHT, FANTASY AND FORTRESSINGS...THE DESIRE AS STRATEGY CONSTRUCTIONS OF ADVANTAGE AND LEVERAGE TO SEEK POWER TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO COPE AND ENDURE'...






YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A WAR WITHIN...






IT IS A 'HIP-HEART WAR' AS THE PLATEAU OF HIPS WHERE GOING ALONG TO GET ALONG IS THE ALL TOO FAMILIAR MEANS OF 'PECKING ORDER' IN STATUS-ACCEPTANCE-POWER...AN ECHO OF ROYAL WAYS...INSTITUTIONALIZED ROLES AND SOCIAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS...BEING AS ANNOINTED OR EXPECTED'...






'ONE LEARNS TO GROW OUT OF THE CLOSED CIRCLES OF PERCEPTUAL CONTAINMENT'...ONE STRETCHES IN ENCOUNTERS TO REACH INTO THE 'ABYSS' OF EMPTINESS AND THE NON-CERTAIN'...






'WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'COMMITMENT'?






'IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN IT IS 'CO-DEPENDENCY'...IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN IT IS FOR THE 'SAKE OF'...IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN IT IS FORTRESS INERTIA...IT IS NOT 'COMMITMENT' WHEN THE 'NUMBINGS' AND 'PARTITIONINGS' FURTHER DIVIDE AGAINST ANY POSSIBILITY OF REAL INTIMACY'...






'SO GREAT 'LOVE GURU' HOW COME YOU ARE NOT IN 'AUTHENTICITY' AS 'TOTAL' TRUTH OF URGENCY?'...






'WELL, IN SOME SENSES 'DOING NOTHING' IS A DEEP SELF CLEARING AS A WAY OF 'JUST DO IT' THAT IS NATURAL WITHOUT THE INTENSITY-DENSITY OF 'TRYING TO MAKE IT FIT'...IT IS NATURAL IN DESIRE TO BE WITH IN 'AS IS' WITHOUT THE 'MAKE BELIEVE' OF SOME DREAM VERSION OF WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE'...






'WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT'...






'IT IS BEING 'DOOMED' TO ENDURE IN EXPECTANCY OF DREAMINGS THAT ARE SELF ABSORPTION...IT IS JULIA KRISTEVA WROTE 'ONE MUST RENOUNCE ONE'S AUTO-EROTICISM IN ORDER TO FIND A PARTNER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX'...






'WELL, THAT CAN BE A VERY LONELY PATH AS ALMOST EVERYONE IS IN STRATEGIES OF 'MAKE-UP' AND 'IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT'...






'IT IS BEING NATURAL IN BREATH AND PRESENCE...HEALTH AND SELF LOVE WITHOUT THE DIVISIONS OF INNER SPLITTINGS TO BE AS ONE 'WANTS SOMEONE TO BE'...IT IS VITALITY IN NUTRITION, FASHIONS AND MOTIONS THAT ARE FROM WITHIN...WHAT IS REALLY BEST FOR ONE'...


'IT IS BEING PREPARED FOR WHAT ONE ASKS FOR EVEN AS THERE ISN'T THE SLIGHTEST SIGN OF IT IN SIGHT........